O.K., total disclaimer here: I live in Los Angeles. I'm a crotchety old crow, and I was the Guest List Bitch/"Door Whore" during the heyday of legendary clubs like Cherry, Make-Up, Synthetic, Bang!, et al. Translation: I've had a lot of contact with celebrities. Some of them have become friends; some enemires, but most just holograms that go blip on my radar for a nanosecond of life. That being said, I loathe being around the "Stereotypical Angelenos" who can't utter a sentence that doesn't include some famous person that they're a friend of. What, they're going to be "The Most Famous Person Who Knows Famous People" or something? Everyone who lives in L.A. proper has celebrity stories to spout out like gumballs 24-cents-a-pop... it's not a big deal. However, since this Friday past was my first job as the PR person for a fashion extravaganza, I've gotta rattle off how much I surprised myself in the crowd I somehow managed to wrangle up.

O.K., for starters: since I'm a siiiick bitch who loves the surreal flash of celebrity that accompanies folks who put themselves on "reality" shows (and having worked on four seasons of one, I'm using the term reality loosely), when I was casting models, I came up with the so-wrong-it's-right concept of booking walking-sticks (the term I use for "moo-dels") from different reality programs; that way it'd be a smack-down in itself...on top of the clothes.

Lisa D’Amato (legendary party girl from cycle 5 of “America’s Next Top Model”) opened the show. Now, not to be pedantic, but in the realm of runway shows, there's a hierarchy. The "first girl" (or guy, depending on the designer) is important...she's the bad-ass bitch who's setting the tone for the show, and is one of the people the designer has deemed either a 'muse' or a 'conduit' for what he's deeming the feeling "of the moment." The 'final girl' is also important, and referred to by some as "the bride"...but we'll get to that later.

So anyway, Lisa stomped her way out with all the power of a silent storm: an other-worldly atmosphere summed up by the name of Jared's show: "Quiet Army." Following Lisa was Joanie Dodds (runner-up, cycle 6 of “America’s Next Top Model”), the proverbial blonde preacher's daughter whose stride conveyed There Is More To Me Than The Eye Can See. If any of you watched Joanie's cycle, I'll tell you this: home girl has improved her walk tremendously...a point duly noted by my old boss at ANTM who was at the show, as well.

Following in their wake, we had the fiery redheaded Amanda Blick (from season 3 of “Project Runway”), whose poise at the press 'stop and pose' was really a force to be reckoned with. From season 2 of "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency," we had the pouty-mouthed blonde, Desiree Bick, the walking Adonis known as Dominic Figlio, the mega-fierce Pierce Ross (who looked flawless with every step she took), and a hunky "double-whammy": J.P. Calderon from "Survivor," who then went on to get signed in "The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency," where viewers were treated to lots of body, body, body! It was adorable to see him in Jared Gold gear: one round a whimsical vest with hunter-orange hued buttons and free-flowing pants; another round truly stunning in a ruffled pelt jacket with oversized collar the designer accessorized by a cravat, strutting JG signature shorts that smack of the turn-of-the-last-century and side-striped baseball socks to complete the look.

Since casting only reality "Survivors," per se, would be too on-the-nose (we might as well have thrown a slab of Velveeta across the room), there also was a legitimate model/actress in the mix: Mageina Tovah, who's starred in Spiderman 2, the TV show "Joan of Arcadia," and plenty of other places you can find on imdb.com.

Performance artist Larva brought her own panache to the runway, slinking and physically embodying the insect motif of the clothes with such dedication, there was a transitory flash of "what lies beneath" none of us anticipated! She pulled it off like a pro, and the audience reacted accordingly: but no one commanded applause more than musician and MySpace celebrity Jeffree Star, whose vicious pink hair was partially cornrowed. The sparkle of Star's make-up combined with the inimitable dazzle of his first sequin-striped dress was almost too much to handle...and for that, we are all grateful. On his third round, Jeffree was the 'final girl,' functioning like an exclamation point for all the refined wit Jared's adroit ability led us up to. As "The Bride," he stepped onto the stage a final time along with Mr. Gold, flanked on the opposite end by the diva D'Amato.

The collection as a whole? The concept of "words cannot explain" comes to mind, though I despise the cliché. Words can explain the genius and gorgeous collection Jared presented for Fall '07; it's just that I'm not adroit enough a wordsmith to do them justice. No hyperbole here: do a quick search on WireImage.com if you don't believe me.

I've been a friend and fan of the creative force known as Jared Gold for several years, and can whole-heartedly say this was his most artfully executed and unmistakenly cohesive collection yet. You'd be hard-pressed to find a single person in the packed-beyond-capacity Palace ballroom who'd disagree. And among them was a noteworthy crowd:

director Amy Heckerling (Clueless, Fast Times At Ridgemont High)

fashion designer Bao Tranchi with musician Jack Atlantis

the ever-flamboyant Bobby Trendy

celebrity party planner Bryan Rabin

Corey Granet from The Warlocks

Courtney Hanson, host of FOX sports’ show “Destination Wild”

director Darren Stein (Jawbreaker and the forthcoming Color Me Olsen)

Doug Spearman from the LOGO series “Noah’s Ark”

Eric from the band Hole

visual artist Elizabeth McGrath with her husband Morgan Slade (from the band Miss Derringer)

Gina Gurewitz, co-owner of Epitaph Records

Heather Tom, two time emmy-award winner for “The Young and The Restless”; currently in new David E. Kelley show “The Wedding Bells”

Janet Fitch (best-selling author of White Oleander)

She-Who-Needs-No-Intro Jenna Jameson with Ultimate Fighting Champion Tito Ortiz

Jennifer Carpenter (from The Exorcism of Emily Rose and the Showtime series “Dexter”)

actor and producer Joel Michaely

author and “celebutante” James St. James

tranny-sexy actresses Willam Belli and Kelly Mantle

actress Krysten Ritter (from “Veronica Mars”)

model Maurice Townsell (from the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, but sat front row…did not walk the show)

Pauley Perrette (principal character Abby on "NCIS")

Richard Glatzer and Wash West, co-writers and directors of the multiple award-winning film Quinceañera

a very-preggers Tina Minero from the bands Switchblade Symphony and Tre Lux

actor and model Tony Ward

celebrity photographer Albert Sanchez

reknown jewelry designer Tarina Tarantino

awe-inspiring photographer Austin Young

ALONG WITH THE INFRASTRUCTURE OF L.A.'s HIPPEST:

Ali Maclean of Rock-N-Role and Indie 103.1, Ava Gardner, the researcher/compiler of Courtney Love’s latest book, twisted magician Christopher Wonder, visual artist Dame Darcy, club promoter Darcey Leonard, photosculpturist David Meanix (of “Six Feet Under” fame), eccentric director/writer/producer Lisa Hammer, designer M’Lynn Hass, musician Nora Keyes (from the band The Centimeters, among others), designer Pinar Eris, installation artist Plastic God, the extremely-opinionated queer author Dave White, Simone Williams, owner and head designer of Exquisite Restraint Corsetry, “Ring My Bell” host Steven Corfe, World of Wonder producer Thairin Smothers, visual artist Tony Mech, fetish model Courtney Cruz, break-out author Matty Lee, choreographer Ryan Heffington, a slew of the coolest stylists in town (including Alicia Lawhon, Max Smith, Macon Brown and Tyrus Wilson) as well as the paragon of style, Laurie Pike of Los Angeles Magazine.

The imperium of a "Quiet Army"...the commanding competence of designer Jared Good-As-But-Never-Fool's Gold. I feel honored to have witnessed it.